just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
