He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
