Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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