You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
