I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
