She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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