she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
