Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
