and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
