I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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