As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
