I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
