The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
