I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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