The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
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We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
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the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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