I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
