I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
