I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
