She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
