You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
