we're blogging at a bar
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
