Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
