I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
