saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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