The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
