ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
