I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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