I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
