Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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