I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
