You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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