He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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