all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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