I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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