Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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