I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm like, not good at living.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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