Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I need moral support for this bender
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
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