i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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