In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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