The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
