Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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