my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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