I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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