she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dignity is for republicans.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
