he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
