gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
