I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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