woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
