this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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