i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
