I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize