Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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