seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
