If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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