Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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