I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It's Friday. Sex?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
